“Committed listening transforms relationships and deepens learning. Its skillful use requires practice and discipline.”
—Dennis Sparks
“The most fundamental coaching skill is listening. Listening is not the passive process it seems because it involves dedicated attention to the other person and exquisite attention to the language they are using.”
—Jenny Rogers
“We listen first to understand, not to respond.”
—Steven Covey
“Listening is the psychological equivalent of air.”
—Steven Covey
Unproductive patterns of listening
- Judgement/Criticism
- Autobiographical
- Inquisitive
Turning down the volume on your own mental commentary... Giving your full presence... Resisting the urge to multitask... Limiting distractions... This is committed listening!
Through technology, scientists can see the working of the brain in real time, and see that the prefrontal cortex fires in a different way with a committed listening than when the conversation occurs with the self.
Listen for…
- What the person wants
- Emotion
- Passion
- Possibility and/or potential
- What’s already working
Reframe your thinking:
- Turn negatives to positives.
- Transform problems to solutions.
- Build commitments from complaints.
BMIRS
Face
- Eye position
- Dilation
- Eye moisture
- Muscle tone
- Color changes
- Lip size
- Tic or twitch
Body
- Posture
- Breathing
- Gestures
- Head position
- Muscle tone
- Proximity
- Unconscious movement
- Symmetry
Voice
- Rhythm
- Pitch
- Pace
- Inflection
- Intonation
- Volume
- Patterns
- Timbre
Language
- Gender
- Ethnicity
- Roles
- Group
- Identity
- Belief
- Systems
- Values
Questions for self-reflection
- What might others read in my BMIRS?
- What do I pay attention to with my BMIRS?
- What BMIRS do I pay attention to in others?
- What influences our BMIRS?
- How does your gender influence your listening?
We listen to…
- Gain clarity about an issue
- Gather data for feedback
- Identify patterns of behavior
- Understand the needs and perceptions of another
- Allow the client to refine thinking and perception by speaking to an attentive listener
- Lay a foundation for building responses and solutions